eventually i'll write a 2025 highlight post but this isn't that.

i briefly mentioned that i struggle expressing my feelings. ive definetly still come a long way from 2021(this is my benchmark because before then i just rawdogged not feeling and bottling everything) where I used to have some unconventional ways to express myself.i mean since then i've been going to therapy and actually trying to verbally express myself because i am the type of person to keep all my feelings in until i explode like a volcano. not healthy i know very aware.

again since then a lot has happened, my fair share of isolations and intellectualization of my feelings and what not. in the summer i decided i was going to be more open about how i feel. i figured the worse thing that could happen is i tell people how i feel and they don't care and i can go on my way. after i decided to do that i also isolated myself from my friends and stopped talking and stopped seeing my therapist. it gave me a lot and when i say a lot of time to think about my actions and how my feelings can hurt others. a couple months later i ended up having these long talks with my best friends and reconnected with other people of my past (see house warming or heart-warming) and i really thought things were moving forward at least with dealing with my feelings and expressing them like a normal human being

but i am not a normal human being and i actually have the paperwork to back that. i have a slower processing time, which i've been really feeling lately. (i feel the need to add being psycho evaluated is like the worse thing you can go through in your 20's.)

imagine something happens to you and you react naturally but there's never that realization of what actually happen and how it affects you. until a couple days later you're sitting on your bed like this affected me in the worse way and you can't even express that because now its been a couple days since it happened and people will think you're ruminating and overthinking. when it reality it all just fucking clicks how it affects you and not that no one cares but everyone's moved past it already. and that's basically how it goes.

anyways i thought i had a handle on how expressed myself because things were working i could have difficult conversations with the people i love and comprehend, move forward and do better. until a couple days ago. i had an inappropriate reaction to something that happened. im not going to lie im ashamed that i reacted the way i did. ive put in so much work just to react in a way past me has. i didn't recognize myself again ashamed. mostly because the person i reacted towards didn't deserve that at all. i don't like the way i reacted.

i seen something recently something about how you don't know you're healing until there's a setback. which i think is stupid because why would i have to deal with something ive done before to have the "huh maybe i am growing".

unfortunately there is a little truth to it. after processing, reflecting, coming to the conclusion of why i reacted the way i did. apologizing to the person, ive been reflecting and yeah i am fucking healing and growing. yeah sometimes there are setbacks but that doesn't mean that im back to square one. i think it made me realize how much work i have gone through and what im willing to do to stay on that path and evolving into a version of myself that doesn't react that way.

knowing that i reacted, and was reflective of my behaviour and willing to acknowledge that moving forward i would be more verbal about how i feel instead of being stunned-locked did help in that confirmation of growing.

all in all im trying. communicating my feelings is hard but hey we're still alive.