genuine question how do i learn to trust without feeling like im betraying myself

because everywhere you go, there you are

in a fit of anger, i shot up from bed and wrote down in detail your downfall. i burn the paper on my bathroom sink, pre-sprinkled with salt for protection. as the smoke rose, so did my anger.

i get mono > it makes my tonsils enlarged, leading to chronic tonsil stones and tonsillitis > i go on antibiotics for this > the antibiotics give me a yeast infection

i’ve been feeling like i’m in a never ending drug induced fugue past last few days