Image Source: Cosmos, Credit: Cover art for the release Off With Heads by artist alosaken

I was going to post the typical life update, but I couldn't.

Things have not been going well for me mentally.

Some days, I'm the happiest I've ever been or felt. On others, I feel like I'm barely holding it together. It's become increasingly difficult for me to get out of bed, and I've been experiencing urges to stress eat again. I already made it so far into my weight loss journey, and I'm so close to putting all that work and effort to waste. I feel like I lack direction — as if I have no agency over my life. I'm just going along with what I think is best.

This past year has been such an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried, laughed, and cried harder. There's a lack of control over my emotions and my life; when I think I'm close to the finish line, I trip and fall. I want to feel complete. Right now, I feel like I'm only half a person, as if some part of my soul is missing. Sometimes I feel trapped within my own mind-- my body.

I know a whole lot of this doesn't make sense-- hell, even downright nonsensical-- but I don't know how else to describe what I've been feeling. It's something you can't put into words; it's the type of emotion you'd have to have experienced to understand fully. It hits you in waves; the feelings just come down on you-- out of fucking nowhere. You can't stop it, can't control it, and deal with it any way you can. The happy moments are fleeting, but the sad thoughts — intrusive thoughts— feel like they last a lifetime.

Basically, your mind is your own worst enemy. It forces these negative emotions onto you without end. You don't want to think that way or feel this way-- but it still pushes through.

It's isolating.

You feel like your family and friends don't understand you. You might as well come from another planet. You feel the desire to go "home" even when you don't know what "home" is. I feel crazy even writing this right now. I'm just hoping this wave will pass soon before the next one.

Apologies for the long vent.

I may or may not post the life update from last week — who knows?**** It depends on how I feel this week. I've been overwhelmed with projects and life lately, and I felt the need to post something. I thought that I would've been disingenuous if I'd gone ahead with that post instead of being honest about my feelings.

River has become a sanctuary for me. I feel like I can actually be/express myself on here. It's different from other social media platforms; it feels more genuine. I think because it's more human-focused. It might sound weird (and I could be wrong), but there's a more human connection to every post/comment. It's why I felt inclined to be more forthcoming about my thoughts.