Surrender. I often come back to surrendering during my twenties. Like a war cry for solace. The words I have used to most aptly describe the last four years first it was radical acceptance, which made 'embrace the unknown' possible, and then shedding and then I find myself back at surrender. It's quite a peaceful place really, it's the shore after a long journey at sea -- sputtering, sick, crawling on the sand -- so glad to finally be where you are because it just is. It's about the acceptance of where you are after fighting it for so long, to stop resistance and just be.
My internal self is often at war. revisiting previous identities in times of change, each one holding a piece of glass -- a piece of yourself -- with an old belief etched in it's side. You can tend to cut yourself with them if you hold onto them for too long. They're not meant to be held these pieces of glass, they're meant to come together as a whole to show you, your reflection, all that you were also shows all that you can be. It's so easy to forget that your future self lies in the shore on the beach, after you've surrendered to it all, you become.
I think about the medium I saw when I was 24, he said that my mom often see's me alone on an island, signifying I feel all alone at times -- but that she's always there. I couldn't have known a year later I would move across the world to an island continent away from all I have ever known -- and have felt her presence more than ever. Perhaps because I have called her presence more than ever. I often feel surrounded by these angels, either my mother, my Naan, my stepmother doing anything, but particularly in these times of surrender. Or during an eclipse season when the veil is thinner. Doing my makeup, a tear falls on my cheek. Passing by a car crash, and envisioning my step mother and the days after. Seeing a butterfly on my walk home. At times of surrender I seek their protection while my guard is down -- to embolden me.
It's why I, an earth sign with a water moon, seek the ocean for my answers -- to root my hands in the sand, my feet on the rocks and feel all that has moved before. The ever changing nature of the waves brings me such strength.
I want to feel that I belong I say, the water welcomes me every time. I want to feel that I am beautiful I say, the sun and the sea air reminding me i have never been more beautiful than when I am absolutely bare. I want to feel successful I say, the sun rising on the horizon wishing me a job well done. I want to have control I say, the ocean changes rapidly constantly forever. I wish to be near my mother, the ocean bathing under lady luna and her maternal instincts beckon us in.
I wish to be known I say, my love grabs my pain and holds it so tenderly I could cry, our dog kisses me gently as he curls up against my body, day, after day.
The last time i surrendered to the call of the universe, it led me halfway across the world to the greatest love of my life. I have been surrendering old identities of myself, shedding, in order to uncover what has grown in the time that has passed and for now I revel in the bare nakedness on the beach.
