I love the internet.

No! Really, I do. Despite its (very apparent) faults, I enjoy the freedom of expression it allows. I like exploring the vast number of communities across the web; each more unique (or toxic lol) than the last. It's almost like stepping into another world or universe, unlike our own. It can be messy, weird, suffocating, and even scary at times, but also insightful, accepting, fun, and fulfilling. As in life, the internet can be nuanced. Most will disagree with that statement. And given the current state of the world right now..I get it. However, I feel the black and white perspective is only representative of a select part of the internet, and not as a whole. There is good and bad in everything. The internet is no exception.

Nonetheless, I think the internet can still be a fun place. It gives people the ability to open up and be themselves. Identifying as whoever or whatever they choose. Personally, I like the anonymity it allows. I can express my honest thoughts and opinions that I couldn't otherwise. I hold things in and rarely have an outlet to unload. Yet, more often than not, I tend to lurk. Similar to people watching, just with rows upon rows of comments and posts. Weird right? Likes to use the internet as an outlet, but won't join in the conversation. Believe me, I've tried. I've been through many apps and spaces throughout the internet, creating profile after profile in an effort to find community. Only to fall back into my lurking ways.

I think it's my comfort zone. I like the idea of a community, but I hesitate to be a part of one.

I realize that I find the process of creating + curating my profile more satisfying than posting or joining discussions. I like choosing who I'm going to be for that platform-- the aesthetic and vibe. I can be anyone I want to be as long as it isn't me.

Damn, that's depressing.

The focus should be on positive aspects of the internet, not my lack of self-acceptance. How the heck did we get here?! Have I lost the plot? Geez. Clearly, there's some stuff I need to work on. However, I'm curious to know, have any of you had a similar experience?

..or am I just chronically online?